Talking about Current Events with Kids
The following are six key takeaways from the MINDS Foundation’s webinar collaboration with YourMomCares. The full conversation is available here.
Conversations are on-going throughout a child’s life. When tackling tough topics, it’s a conversation. It’s not “The Talk”. It’s one of many talks. This mindset can help ease some of the pressure we might feel to get it perfectly right the first time, include every nuance, or answer every question. Keeping the conversation developmentally appropriate is ok. This allows us to revisit and discuss different aspects of the topic as our children mature.
Create space at home for these kinds of conversations. This can mean sitting down or going for a walk and communicating and sharing thoughts. When we create a habit of letting everyone’s voice be heard, it gives us a chance to know what other people in the family are thinking. We don’t always have to agree, but we should respect each other’s dignity and give each other a chance to speak and be heard. Throughout our lives we encounter great ideas and terrible ones, good advice and bad advice. When young children and teens are exposed to a variety of opinions at home, they learn to navigate them in a safe environment.
Our differences shouldn’t stop us from relating to each other. It’s normal for us to be drawn to the familiar and the similar. One way to expand our children’s universe is to broaden the kinds of stories and lives that populate their worlds. Meeting people who are different from us can be important and helpful. This isn’t always feasible. We can include narratives with characters that are superficially different but in so many ways the same. We can make it a regular practice to point out differences and similarities, strengths and weaknesses. This can help us become comfortable with our own range of abilities. Our heroes may not always look exactly like us but they can still inspire us. As we include toys and stories that our children may relate less to, it’s ok if this action figure or that book isn’t their favorite. It still exists in their universe and they are exposed to it.
It’s hard to prepare your child in a world that’s constantly changing. As the saying goes, the only constant is change. So perhaps that’s what we’re actually learning and teaching. One way to handle this is to explain the circumstances under which these rules apply. Just like tearing up colorful paper is frowned upon most days, we may gleefully encourage it when unwrapping presents. For example, “I love that you want to hug me. I really want to hug you too. But during the pandemic, we need to keep each other safe by having a certain distance from each other. When the pandemic is over, we can hug again! I can’t wait to put my arms around you!!” Here, I acknowledged how we both feel and the receipt of the loving intention of their gesture. I named the boundary and stated it’s beginning and end as a fact. I also provided a simple reason for the new rule.
I imagine there will be resistance when certain things go back to a more familiar rhythm, so it’s worthwhile mentioning it in other situations. For example, “I miss going to birthday parties with my friends too. But right now, you get screen time twice a day! When we can go do activities again, we’ll go back to screen time on Saturday mornings only.”
Childhood and adolescence look different right now. We all have treasured memories from childhood that we hope to facilitate for our children. We had our own dreams and hopes about what parenthood or grandparenthood looks like. This season of our lives has been profoundly disrupted. It’s ok to take the space to grieve this loss. And then create space to experience the childhood and parenthood that is happening right now. Sometimes we are so caught up in what things should look like, that we’re blind to what is. It is worthwhile practicing this for ourselves first.
Being able to transition to a new view point is a valuable skill for kids to learn. As parents, we’re so eager for our kids to feel better, we sometimes don’t validate how they feel right now. Before we can change, we must first know where we are now. In order to help facilitate this for our kids, we may include creating space for them to talk about what they wished their lives looked like right now. Maybe even fantasize together about how great it would be. Naming the emotion of loss, anger, grief, frustration, disappointment, fear and beyond can be powerful and profoundly validating. Maybe we can even grant this wish in fantasy (“It would be amazing to go to camp this summer and spend tons of time with your friends and cousins. If I had the ability to make this virus go away and have it be safe for you to be so close with so many people, I would make it so!”) Maybe in a different conversation, we talk about what is now. What’s frustrating? What’s surprising? What’s cool? Younger children may respond well to enthusiasm. Older kids may appreciate a more gentle approach that highlights what you’ve appreciated about how they’ve creatively tackled the challenges of our time. (ie. “I love that you noticed grandma was feeling down. Mailing her a card is a great idea. Can I help you write her address on the envelope?” or “That gif you sent to the group chat made me literally bust out laughing. I really needed that today.”)
It’s okay to be uncomfortable. It can be very powerful to acknowledge uncertainty, and that as parents we don’t always have all the answers. We’ve weathered tons of difficult conversations with our children (ie. wearing pants in public, not hitting or biting, wearing seatbelts, not running into traffic, etc.) What makes these conversations unique is that they’re difficult for us. This can be a powerful learning opportunity for children to learn how to do something they need to, but may not want to. We can try acknowledging how we feel (“This is a tough topic for me to talk about because I’m not totally comfortable with it either. But let’s try to have a conversation anyway.”) If your child asks a question you don’t have the answer to, you can always say: “That’s a great question. You know… I don’t know. Let’s look it up together.” You can also say: “I need some time to think about that.” Bravery is not being fearless. It’s doing the right thing despite being afraid.
Written by: Ilang Guiroy, MD, MINDS Director of Programs - Los Angeles