How to be There for Someone Who is Struggling

There is immense amount of pain in the world, there are people struggling every single day and most of them are not open enough about the way they feel due to the generic thought that “I know what people are going to say so what’s the point?”. This is exactly where the problem lies – we as individuals fail to recognise the way we put across our words, the way we use our words towards another individual who may be at their lowest point. We are trained to believe that Mental Health Issues and even experiencing any kind of negative emotion is “just a phase”, is just a person being “too sensitive” or being too “dramatic”. We may not recognise this but we tend to invalidate an individual’s feelings to an extent that they become self-critical of their own emotions, they begin to feel how they are or were feeling is irrelevant and somehow their fault, they jump into the cycle of self-blame and eventually begin to believe that there is something wrong with them. There are several things to keep in mind when you are trying to be there for someone – we believe that giving someone advice or comparing their emotions and problems to those of other people who “have it much worse” means being there for someone but it’s literally the opposite. In fact, when you start telling a person who is already falling apart that they indirectly don’t deserve to fall apart or feel so negatively about a certain aspect of their lives because “other people have it much worse”, you’re basically claiming that just because their problems aren’t as bad as those of others, they are not allowed to feel upset. This will lead to nothing but a downward spiral in terms of the individual’s Mental Health. 

When someone is sharing about how they’re feeling regarding something you may have done or said to hurt them or just some aspect of their lives which is making them feel low and upset – most of us have a tendency to start talking about ourselves, our problems and how we are feeling. Now imagine being in a situation like that. This person trusted you enough to open up to you, they probably opened up to you because they felt that you would understand – however, if you begin to take away their perception towards the situation and how they felt by making it all about yourself, chances are this individual will never open up to you. It’s imperative to remember that it’s not a competition, it’s not about you in that very moment – it’s about the person who was strong enough to be honest and vulnerable with you. There are also instances where our automatic response is to tell someone how they should feel and how they should not feel: “be positive”, “chill out” , “don’t overreact and over-analyze, just let it go”, “stop overthinking” – such terms are toxic to use when you’re trying to be there for someone, how can we tell someone how to feel?You’re basically taking away their power to experience their emotions completely, you’re taking away their response to a situation or a thought. In such instances, the individual does not even want your advice, they just want you to be present, they want you to listen to them in a space which is created to be non-judgemental and non-bias – that’s all that people are looking for, a safe space where they can express themselves without being made to feel invalidated or criticised. 

After reflecting on our misconceptions and mistakes, let’s throw light on the effective ways to genuinely be there for people who are struggling. Let’s keep in mind that you don’t know the extent of someone’s suffering and you never will but you have the power to use your words in an appropriate manner to instil a sense of courage and hope within the individual – “I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I want you to know that I am here to listen to you”, “I know it’s hard to see strength in oneself when you feel hopeless and this may not matter, but I do see strength and resilience in you”, “Don’t feel bad for feeling the way you’re feeling but I want you to know that you will get through this and I will be here”. Such words are validating and depicts the idea of you being present with the person. Regardless – focus on their positive qualities, focus on their courage and their strength, help them find hope again amidst the words that you use while you’re trying to help. Don’t project your “sympathy” towards them, instead practice empathy – try to understand what the other individual may genuinely be feeling and how this feeling could be affecting their emotional well-being – don’t jump to conclusions and don’t make assumptions. Just be there for them empathetically. A person who is heard and understood is a person who will begin to heal. 

Written by: Antara Jain, MINDS Content Writer